The holidays are filled with expectations—joyful ones, stressful ones, and sometimes impossible ones. For autistic individuals and their families, these expectations can feel like a minefield: long dinners, loud gatherings, unfamiliar foods, and unspoken social rules. Even with everyone’s best intentions, the pressure to “join in” or “act festive” can lead to exhaustion, meltdowns, and guilt for both children and caregivers.

Between changes in routine, social gatherings, new foods, and gift exchanges, even the most well-intentioned plans can feel like too much. What’s meant to be “magical” can quickly become stressful when expectations don’t match a person’s comfort level, skills, or sensory needs. For many autistic people, the season’s bright lights, loud sounds, and unpredictable moments can be overwhelming.

Yet within these challenges lies a powerful opportunity—to slow down, notice what truly matters, and honor each person’s authentic way of experiencing the holidays.

When families focus less on fitting in and more on feeling safe and connected, they create space for genuine joy. A quiet moment decorating cookies, gazing at the menorah candles, or a celebration adapted for sensory comfort can all be meaningful forms of participation. Autistic individuals bring incredible strengths—honesty, creativity, focus, empathy, and unique ways of seeing the world—that enrich how families celebrate and connect.

By valuing these differences and creating traditions rooted in comfort and inclusion, we turn the holidays into something deeper than routine: a season that honors everyone’s humanity and makes room for true connection.

 Rethinking holiday expectations

The holidays don’t have to feel overwhelming. By shifting from pressure to partnership, families can make the season more peaceful, meaningful, and accessible for everyone. The key is understanding both your expectations and your child’s current capacities. When families pause to reflect on what their child can do—rather than what they’re supposed to do—they nurture confidence, reduce stress, and strengthen trust.

Small moments of connection—rooted in empathy, flexibility, and mutual respect—create the kind of holiday memories that last (Greene, 2016).

Developed by Dr. Ross Greene, the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model offers a compassionate, evidence-based framework for replacing power struggles with empathy, flexibility, and teamwork. Instead of focusing on compliance or perfection, CPS centers what truly matters: connection, emotional safety, and shared joy (Greene & Stuart, 2020).

Common holiday expectations to approach with flexibility

Many traditional holiday expectations can unintentionally create distress for autistic individuals:

  • “You should sit through the whole family meal.”
  • “You should greet everyone with hugs.”
  • “You should eat the special holiday foods.”
  • “You should join every family activity or event.”
  • “You should be excited to open gifts in front of others.”

These expectations might work for some autistic youth, but for others, they can feel confusing, invasive, overwhelming, or even highly aversive and impossible to meet. CPS provides a way to rethink these expectations by finding creative, compassionate alternatives that consider everyone’s perspectives and concerns in order to support a more joyful holiday season.

Making a plan

When a child isn’t meeting an expectation, it’s not because they are being lazy or not willing to try, it’s because something in the moment is exceeding their current skills or capacity. During the holidays, extra sensory input, social demands, and changes in routine can stretch skills like flexibility, communication, and regulation. It is not about misbehavior, but rather signals about what a child needs to feel grounded and successful.

This perspective is at the heart of Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) and its guiding belief:

“People do well if they can.” — Dr. Ross Greene

Instead of focusing on correction or compliance, CPS invites families to understand each other’s concerns and collaborate on a plan that works for everyone, including the child. . And that leads to an important question: How does a plan support people to do well when they can?

A supportive plan works with a child’s strengths, sensory needs, communication style, and developmental readiness. It reduces overwhelm, builds in the regulation and structure they need, and makes expectations realistic and achievable. When set up for success their natural abilities can shine.

CPS also encourages families to prioritize expectations—choosing which ones really matter right now and which can be flexible or paused. This helps create plans that feel doable instead of stressful, and honors the child as a capable partner in the process.

Identify which expectations to address (and which to drop)

Before the holidays, identify the situations that tend to be most stressful. Then sort them into categories:

Can I be proactive?

Caregivers can minimize challenges by anticipating and removing potential safety concerns ahead of time, such as moving a candle with an open flame out of reach, keeping breakable decorations out of reach or not putting them out at all. Other ways to be proactive include anticipating situations that will be difficult for your child. For example, if you know your child prefers not to greet people directly but instead does better when they can begin interaction when they are ready, you might let visiting friends and relatives know that. For example, you might say something like, “Malone is happy you are coming, but he likes to warm up to people slowly, so he may not greet you when you get here. Don’t expect hugs or even a smile, but he will for sure seek you out when he is comfortable.” By planning ahead, caregivers can increase autonomy and reduce power struggles. 

Safety first

Non-negotiable expectations should be limited to  health and safety (e.g., taking medication, staying safe near heat or sharp objects). When needed, focus on setting clear, essential boundaries to protect safety and well-being, applied thoughtfully and with compassion.

Let’s collaborate

Most situations can be solved together (e.g., attending part of a dinner, greeting relatives in a preferred way). Collaboration is a way for families to solve problems with their child instead of for them. This works for people of all ages and communication styles. For older children who communicate with words, this might look like a discussion (or series of discussions). For young children or children who communicate through actions, it may look more like watching what does and does not work, observing your child’s reaction (and reflecting on reactions in the past) to develop a plan. Keep in mind that sometimes the best plan is to just “let go” of expectations that are not critical. After all, a year from now will it really matter whether your child tried Aunt Martha’s pie or not?

When something is hard for your child, it can really help to start by noticing their strengths and tuning into their experience. You might say something like, “I see how aware you are of what feels hard at Grandma’s holiday dinner. That makes sense—you know your body really well.” When kids feel understood and respected for who they are, it often helps them settle and feel safer. From there, you can team up to find something that works for both of you. Something like, “What ideas do you have that might help you feel comfortable and still get some food in your body?” invites collaboration and honors their problem-solving strengths. Kids often come up with creative, workable solutions when they feel heard, respected, and trusted.

Letting go

Consider whether many expectations — things that seem important at first glance — can actually be dropped to preserve emotional safety and connection (e.g., trying new foods, participating in loud traditions, spending extended time with unfamiliar people). It is not “giving in”; it’s a deliberate decision to drop certain expectations to preserve emotional safety, peace and trust.Think of it as triage; you don’t need to fix every issue at once and some might not need to be fixed at all!

Prioritize connection over compliance

The heart of the holidays isn’t about perfect participation or keeping up with every tradition—it’s about creating moments of safety, comfort, and connection. For many autistic individuals, the sensory and social demands of the season can make “typical” celebrations overwhelming. When families focus on connection first, they shift from asking “How do we make them join in?” to “How can we make this feel good for everyone?”

Maybe your autistic teen feels happiest decorating cookies alone while others chat nearby, or your child prefers spinning a dreidel by themselves instead of playing with their cousins. These aren’t signs of withdrawal—they’re examples of self-awareness and emotional regulation. By honoring those needs, families send a powerful message: you belong exactly as you are.

Adapting traditions—like offering noise-canceling at a crowded dinner, creating a sensory-safe zone, or using visual schedules to plan the day—helps reduce stress and make celebrations more inclusive. When children feel understood and supported, they’re more likely to engage naturally and enjoy themselves. See Setting expectations for my autistic son in a neurotypical world ( https://www.joinavela.com/resources/expectations-autism-neurotypical-world/ for more information.)

Extend compassion to yourself, too

Caregivers often carry a deep sense of responsibility for making the holidays magical for everyone and for trying to please everyone. When traditions change—when the big meal becomes a picnic in the living room or the family gathering turns into a quiet movie night—it’s easy to feel guilt or disappointment. But changing expectations isn’t failure; it’s a loving and wise response to what your family truly needs, and that includes you. Flexibility doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means shifting from perfection to presence, from control to connection.

By listening to your child’s perspective, sharing your own needs, and finding creative, low-stress solutions together, you model powerful life skills: empathy, collaboration, and emotional awareness. These are the same qualities that build long-term resilience and strengthen family bonds far beyond the holiday season.

Caregivers deserve compassion, too. Meeting your child’s needs can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when the world around you pressures you to “keep up” or “make it special.” Remember, your calm is more important than your cookie recipe, and your connection matters more than any calendar of events.

Give yourself permission to step back, simplify, and breathe. The holidays don’t have to look picture-perfect to be meaningful. When you say, “We’re doing the holidays our way—calm, connected, and compassionate,” you’re not missing out—you’re creating something beautiful: a tradition built on understanding, respect, and love that truly fits your family.

The holidays don’t have to revolve around meeting expectations; they can be about redefining them. Sometimes the most meaningful gift you can give your autistic child is space, respect, and unconditional love wrapped not in ribbon, but in empathy.

References

  • Greene, R. W. (2014). Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges Are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. Scribner.
  • Greene, R. W. (2016). Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child. Scribner.
  • Greene, R. W., & Stuart, E. A. (2020). Collaborative & Proactive Solutions: Evidence-based practices for understanding and helping children with behavioral challenges. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 25(3), 726–740.